THE PROPER WAY TO MEET A DOG.

“NO TOUCH, NO TALK, NO EYE CONTACT!”

Its mother is the first “introduction” a puppy will have in the world. She is the first “other being” a puppy will meet. Now, contrast the calm-assertive scent and energy emitted by a mother dog with how we normally introduce ourselves to a dog. What do we usually do when we see a cute little puppy? “Oooo!” we exclaim loudly, usually in a high-pinched voice we reserve for babies. “Come here, you cute little thing!” By doing this, we are introducing ourselves to the dog using sound first— not only sound but usually very excited, emotion-charged sound. What we are doing is projecting excited, emotional energy, which is the furthest from calm-assertive energy that we can get. To a dog, emotional energy is weak and often negative energy. So from the get-go, we’re telling the dog that we don’t exactly have it all together.

And what happens next? We approach the dog, not the other way around. We rush up to her, bend down to her level, and give her affection—usually a pat on the head—before she even knows who we are. By this point the dog has already figured out that we really don’t understand anything about her. She’s also getting the clear message that we’re coming to her—and from that point on, we are signing a contract that says that we are the followers and she is the leader. Do you blame her, after we’ve made such an unstable first impression?

Let’s replay that first-meeting scenario using dog psychology instead of human psychology. The proper way to approach a new dog is not to approach her at all. Dogs never approach each other face on, unless they are challenging each other. And pack leaders never approach pack followers; the followers always approach him. There is such thing as etiquette in the dog world, and a canine Emily post would demand that when meeting a dog, you not make eye contact, you maintain calm-assertive energy, and you allow the dog to come to you. How will the dog check you out? By sniffing, of course.

Scent can also function as a language for dogs. Your dog’s nose—millions times more sensitive than yours—provides him with a huge amount of important information about his environment and the other animals in it. In nature, a dog’s anal scent is his “name.” When two dogs meet, they’ll sniff each other’s behinds as a way of introduction. Don’t be alarmed if she sniffs your crotch. Of course among humans it would be considered downright offensive to snuff someone’s genitals upon first meeting him, but that’s how dogs greet each other all the time. It’s simply a way that they get important information about each other—gender, what the other dog had for lunch. A dog who sniffs you is getting similar information about you. While sniffing you, the dog is reading not only your scent but also the all-important energy you are projecting. In dog etiquette, you’re supposed to let them do it by remaining still. You shouldn’t look at or touch the dogs during process, but the dogs should be allowed to surround and smell you. That’s the only way they become comfortable with a new animal of any species—by learning to distinguish you by your scent. Now, that dog may end up not being very interested in you and may wander off in search of other, more fascinating scents. Or she may stick around to explore you further.

Once a dog decided to initiate contact with you, by nuzzling or rubbing up against you, only then should you offer affection to her. And save the eye contact for when you really know each other better—sort of like not going too far on a first date.

Sometimes, after examining a new person, a dog will lose interest and begin to wander away. Naturally, the dog lover will reach out after her and attempt to give her affection in order to bring her back. With some dogs, this can be perceived as an unwanted advance and can precipitate a bite. Even with a friendly dog, I usually suggest that people don’t offer affection right away. Let the dog get to know you, feel comfortable with you, and do something to earn your affection first.

This advice almost never goes very well, because we humans get such a great sense of satisfaction from sharing affection with dogs. What most animal lovers don’t understand is that by sharing affection first, we are not doing the dog any favors. We might be fulfilling our own needs—after all, dogs are so sweet and appealing and soft and fluffy! And it turns out, they are important to both our physical and mental health as human beings. But when we come to a dog we barely know and offer unconditional affection right away, we might be creating a serious imbalance in our relationship with that dog. Particularly, if we are to be the dog’s owner, a simple first meeting like this is often where behavior problems begin. Just like in the human world, to a dog a first impression counts a lot. Like most mammals, dogs do need and crave physical affection in their lives. But it’s not the first and the most important thing they need from you. If they get affection first, it tips the scales of your relationship—in the wrong direction. Once you learn to experience your dog as an animal first, and not as a four-legged human, you will be better able to understand his “language” of energy—and truly “hear” what he is saying to you.